Total Eclipse of Humanity

So, there’s going to be an eclipse next week. But I suspect you’ve already heard about it.

And if you happen to live within the bounds of the gray line running through this map I stole from the NASA website, well, you’ve probably heard enough eclipse talk to last a lifetime.

I happen to live about two miles south of Omaha, which is only a handful of miles north of that famed gray line, so pretty-close-to-prime eclipse territory. And this past weekend, when I traveled home to the Portland (OR) area, I learned that they are in pretty-close-to-prime eclipse territory as well. Apparently parts of Oregon, specifically those located within the bounds of Nasa’s Infamous Gray Line of Eclipse Infamy, and along the coastline, will be about the best place in the whole darn world for MEGA ECLIPSE: 2017. And that has given way to ECLIPSE MANIA: 2017.

I’m given to understand that ECLIPSE MANIA: 2017 (picture me saying this like Sean Hays saying, Jack: 2000 in Will and Grace) is going to bring an extra million people through the city of Portland and along the coast. That’s a lot of people for a metro area with a population of 2.5 million in the offseason. It also explains why Kayak kept quoting me $180 a day to rent a subcompact car last week. Travelers should expect to sit on the highways for hours on end, supplies are running low, housing for rent is nonexistent. It’s a whole thing. A whole, giant eclipse thing.

Now, in case you’re not familiar with the concept. An eclipse is this thing where there’s a shadow over the sun and it gets dark outside for like 2 minutes.

Mind = blown.

I mean, I don’t think you’re understanding how big of a deal this is. It’s going to be dark. Outside. For like 2 minutes.

And if you look directly at this eclipse, you’ll wind up just like that Nazi guy who peeks in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Your eyes will burn up and your face will melt, and you will die, forever. So seriously. Don’t look. (P.S. Nazis are bad.)

In all seriousness though, really, DO NOT LOOK AT THE ECLIPSE. This isn’t a joke. It can actually cause serious damage and you actually can go blind from it, even from quick glances. Here is a link to NASA’s information on viewing. Much like the eclipse itself, it’s a big deal and it’s very, very real.

I took a few minutes to peruse the NASA site. At first I was a bit disappointed, because as it turns out, eclipses are not as rare as I’d imagined. But after a little more digging, I discovered that total solar eclipses a quite a bit less frequent, and don’t revisit the same areas for several years. The last visible total eclipse in the USA was on February 26th, 1979. And they’re not visible in the exact same areas for like 375 years, so you should probably get out there and check it out (PER NASA VIEWING INSTRUCTIONS- do not blame me if you burn your eyes Indiana Jones style).

It’s the Beyonce of eclipses. It’s kind of a big deal.

I can imagine the event is quite exciting if you’re the type who appreciates things like math and science, and the fact that all of these somehow equate to tides and the entire survival of every human on the planet. If you’re like me, and most of your life consists of sitting around making snarky remarks and observations, it’s neat and stuff.

Now, if you’re in a third category of people, the type who is apt to assign value to things like astrology (note that I did not say astronomy, which is a real part of science) and psychic mediums, well then, this is a whole other thing. It’s the moment in your life when the moon and stars literally align. For many in this category, this is it. The pinnacle of existence. Kind of like that rare occurrence when Cinco de Mayo falls on a Taco Tuesday for people like me.

Needless to say, there is a niche within this third category who plan on taking the eclipse to a different level. Take this guy, for example:

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This has got to be a viral hoax. I thought so too. I figured I’d easily uncover proof of inauthenticity, but I didn’t. Yep. This is the real deal. So I took the liberty of inserting some comments in red:

I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure.

Of course you are, because no one but a middle-aged white guy would ever be able to put a spin on “I’m a middle-aged white guy,” quite like this.

My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal.

My grammatical abilities? Not so much. I really think an Oxford comma would help out here. I mean, is it the knowledge and strength together that are pure? Is that a thing? Or is it that the knowledge is pure (comma) and the strength is lethal?

Define “100% lethal.” Does that mean like 100% of the time? Like if you touch anything, it dies? Like a King Midas thing, but with muscles instead of gold? Or is that also about the looks too? Are those also lethal? Or just pure?

And those instincts are probably not as pure as this guy is imagining, given that they directed him to post this. In a public forum.

I am looking for a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts. To join me – to experience the totality eclipse in Oregon.

And by “worthy,” he means “hot.” And by “strong genes,” he means “out of his league.” And by “smart” he means “someone who might actually buy this.”

Exact place not set.

But definitely somewhere in his mom’s basement.

If we have chemistry, I would like for us to make love while the eclipse is happening.

So for like two minutes, tops.

When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution.

This is a whole lot to expect out of two minutes. And does this guy possess even a cursory understanding of the female reproductive system? If the primary goal here is to conceive, you’d think, “Must be ovulating” would be somewhere within this ad. It’s kind of a big part of conception. Or is the eclipse just going to right that too?

Oh, and the Targaryens called, they want their offspring back. Has this guy ever once had contact with a real human child? Because there’s a zero percent chance this hypothetical kid isn’t going to disappoint him.

We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun.

Well, naturally. Otherwise it would be pointed downward and it’s super hard to do it that way.

Everything will be aligned in the local universe.

Or at least in Eugene.

Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets.

Or at least some of Eugene.

In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love…

Spoiler alert: The new universe looks a whole lot like Eugene. And this dude’s mom’s basement.

You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me.

This guy has a cat? Shocker.

A worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts… but also, meth is cool. Score. You know what doesn’t produce children on the next level of human evolution? People on drugs.

Now you’re telling me you’re going to achieve simultaneous orgasms while conceiving a child that will be on the next level of human evolution, during an eclipse, while in a brief moment of ecstasy, while understanding everything and creating a new universe full of love, and you’re going to stop a huff some nitrous somewhere in there? Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. 

And nitrous? What are you, a disenfranchised oral maxillofacial surgeon? Do you realize you literally just gave the authorities the exact date and time you’ll be using illegal drugs? By creating a new universe did you mean prison? Because the DEA is going to be right outside your mom’s basement, man. Right. Outside. 

This is what the eclipse has done to us, America. This is what we’ve become.

And seriously, don’t look directly at it.

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